blacksundae

Greetings, blogiverse, and welcome to my parlor. Now quiet down and let me introduce myself. You there, get off of that parapet! That’s better.

I am the one known variously as Non-Shannon, Leila Louise Henley of Austin, TX, Your Personal Earth Mother, Busty Saint Claire, and a host of other titles known only to the howling winds. And you are…?

Things are about to get freaky around here, man–real freaky. That’s because I have, after much gnashing of teeth and trembling of limbs, decided to bestow upon each of you a kernel of knowledge about…YOUR FUTURE! Well, actually, it’s more like what would’ve been your future, in the past, about 2 years ago. Yes, you, the faithful reader (all one of you) shall be privy to the secrets of the Lost Scrolls of Rue, mystic parodies of the New Orleans Times-Picayune’s horoscope section. Let me warn you, these start out pretty awful and get better over time, in proportion to how much influence Shannon had on the writing. So this first installment, well, let’s just say there were a lot of spent whipped cream cans laying in its wake…

Thursday the 10th (March 2005):

ARIES: You da shit. Tonight: Bananas might come in handy.

SCORPIO: You shall feast on the blood of the innocent. Tonight: More of the same.

CAPRICORN: Don’t leave the house! Tonight: Booty call.

PISCES: Go to Capricorn’s house 2-nite!

AQUARIUS: Tonight: Burn an effigy.

LIBRA: Sell your soul to Shannon (looks like a Jew). Tonight: Let a Scorpio feast on your blood.

GEMINI: Tonight: Go spelunking!

VIRGO: Don’t forget the spellcheck. Tonight: Break out the daisy dukes for that speshul summwun.

LEO: ROAR! Tonight: Dismembering yesterday, eating tomorrow.

TAURUS: Don’t bring your cell phone with you on the water slide. Tonight: Take out the trash. If you know what I mean.

CANCER: Try the doberge cake. No need to thank me. Tonight: Girls gone wild.

SAGITTARIUS: Don’t worry! It’s only a flesh wound… Tonight: Ride the snake to the ancient lake. If you know what I mean.