blacksundae

Yes, it’s me, the elusive Non-Shannon, offering up another lukewarm plate of 2005’s leftovers. Yay, everybody! It’s more old horoscopes! Shannon’s contributions really shine through in this one:

Wednesday the 16th (March 2005):

TAURUS: Just because it’s “cool” to drink Corona doesn’t mean it won’t give you the “green apple splatters.” Tonight: Don’t drink the Kool-Aidâ„¢.

PISCES: You may want to revise that text message. Your numerical abbreviations are unclear. 2NITE: U8 the Q8T!

ARIES: Please step away from the vehicle, hands on your head. And don’t make any sudden onomatopoeic utterances. Tonight: Don’t forget the safe word.

CAPRICORN: Shine on, you crazy diamond. Tonight: Make a deal with Satan. I mean, make a meal with seitan.

SCORPIO: Good ‘eavens! This is a sticky wicket! Tonight: Very good, then! Sporting trousers!

CANCER: You may feel like a paper tiger with feet of clay, jousting with straw men. Don’t worry, though. You’ll come out on top. Tonight: Beware of awkward mixed metaphors.

SAGITTARIUS: In the parched outback that is your cranial capacity, an errant wallaby traverses the red wasteland, dreaming of litchis and popsicles. Tonight: Didjeridon’t.

LIBRA: You overhear a friend pluralizing a genera name (i.e. “velociraptors”). You kill them for this transgression. Tonight: Combine the Suzuki method of acting with the Suzuki method of music. This will cause the world to end.

GEMINI: Sorry, but stirrup pants are not going to “come back” “in a big way.” Tonight: Suddenly scabies!

AQUARIUS: Only wussies use turn signals, right? You shitcock bitchfucker!!! Tonight: Easy come, easy go. If you know what I mean.

LEO: ROAR? Tonight: Maintain your image as “King of the Jungle” while at the same time being a thieving, scavenging savannah-dweller.

VIRGO: Combine your love of poetry with your skills in applied robotics in order to create a Frankensteinian, verse-spewing automaton. Tonight: Stop. Hammer time.